Ed Miliband’s Socialist Britain

Red.Ed.MilibandWith all the excitement of the Labour Conference speech by that waxing star of the Comintern, Red Ed Miliband, this little story may have escaped your notice.

I’ll save you the bother of clicking the link by giving you a short précis but feel free to read it while you still enjoy any form of freedom.

A shortage of toilet paper, reportedly due to the socialist central planning mode of government enjoyed by the people of Venezuela, has forced the Venezuelan government into emergency mode. Hoarders of toilet paper face drastic punishments and the National Guard of Venezuela has seized toilet paper production facilities to ensure that production and distribution is “monitored”.

This isn’t surprising. Socialist states do seem to have a history of not being able to organise anything other than political crackdowns, gulags for those who disagree with their political position and mass gymnastic displays. I never did understand why they went in for the latter, perhaps there’s something about thousands of sweaty youths swinging their arms around that fits in with the socialist mode of thought?

What has this got to do with us? Well, Ed has said that he’s bringing socialism back to the UK. This is something that should send a collective shudder down the spine of the UK population. Socialism? Back to the UK? This doesn’t sound good at all. Being an old git of 46 means I remember bits of the 70s and all of the 80s.

Oh no, it’s a flash forward….

It is 2016, Ed is in Downing Street and his socialistic principles are flying high, which is more than can be said for the UK economy. Troops have been dispatched to electrical generating sites throughout the UK to “monitor” them and to end blackouts caused by a lack of gas, coal and oil. How the presence of untrained soldiers will fill up storage tanks and get the generators running isn’t immediately clear. Ed’s flagship scheme to confiscate unused land from the greasy hands of unscrupulous owners has expanded to include inefficiently used cash, artworks selfishly hidden from the public gaze and criminally unused body parts possessed by the politically unreliable (mainly Tory Party members but UKIPers are included as well).

The LBC (Labour Broadcasting Corporation) has replaced all other TV channels and broadcasts documentaries extolling the delights of the new five year plan. News items, showing the arrest of capitalist oppressors of the proletariat (shop owners, doctors, lawyers, right wing celebrities and Jeremy Clarkson) appear at the turning of every hour. There’s a weekly “Why We Love Ed” programme that celebrates the “beloved” leader and allows the proles to call him live on air and praise him lavishly.

While food is scarce, and long lines at the government shops are a normal but necessary part of life in the socialist paradise of the newly renamed U.S.K (United Socialist Kingdom), the people are cheerful and hardworking. Especially if they know what’s good for them.

Ed Miliband’s greatest achievement was establishing full employment for the U.S.K. Under the new U.S.K. constitution all citizens were made employees of the state. Ending hunger, unemployment and freedom at a single stroke.

Back to the present….

Does this sound just too unlikely? Too extreme? Well, gentle readers, just watch Ed’s speech and wonder where he’ll lead us if he wins the next general election.

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