If you're enjoying sex then you're doing it wrong!
If you’re enjoying sex then you’re doing it wrong!
  1. Any sign that the female performer is interested in sexual activity is banned. Whilst the female performer is engaged in the sexual act she is to be shown reading, using her smartphone or yawning with boredom.
  2. Any sign that the woman is actively participating in a sexual act is banned. The female is to remain still and only move as the result of the male performer’s thrusts. The female performer is also directed to roll her eyes as if utterly bored with the activity being engaged in.
  3. Dirty talk is to be reduced to comments about the state of ceiling paint work, dripping taps needing repair and other forms of traditional nagging. The male performer is to speak in a squeaky, high pitched voice.
  4. All female performers are required to wear an Ena Sharples style hairnet as part of the new UK Porn Film Health & Safety regulations. The regulators require that the female performer’s facial expression of disdain be visible at all times.
  5. All lingerie is to be exchanged for support tights, graying old pants and bras. No coloured underwear permitted. Nor any underwear that might be seen as “racy”.
  6. The only sexual act to be the depicted is that of coitus, missionary position. All other forms of sexual activity, e.g. masturbation, blowjobs etc, are hereby banned. Sex, in the United Kingdom, is a serious business and not for the enjoyment of the masses.
  7. Random farting noises are to be inserted into the soundtrack during all scenes depicting sex.
  8. Male “performance” is limited to a maximum of 45 seconds. The female is not to be shown enjoying an orgasm.
  9. The only environment in which the permitted sexual act will be performed is that of a bedroom. A bedroom that is deemed unexciting and dull. For example, walls should be painted beige, the bedding should be gray and used underwear should be strewn about the environment.
  10. Protection must be worn at all times. Only the thickest, plainest and ugliest condoms will be used. Preferably dark blue and definitely not ribbed for the lady’s pleasure!
  11. During the post coital scene, the couple will be shown lying side by side and engaging in small talk about the weather, picking their noses and holding a variety of soft toys so as to obscure their genitalia from the cameras. Suggested soft toys include Paddington Bear, Teletubbies and teddy bears.
  12. Suggested dialogue is as follows.

For the female performer:

“Is it in yet?”
“Where’s me chips?”
“Hurry up, Corrie’s on in a minute!”

For the male performer:

“Where’s that fish smell coming from?”
“These sheets are a bit gritty.”
“Wigan 6, Accrington Stanley 3!”

Additional sounds permitted:

Loud burps
Vomiting noises
Strange wet slobbering sounds
The voice of Bernard Cribbins crying: “Ethel, I think they’re clearing a blockage.”

One final note.

It must be understood that whilst sex is a necessary part of the process of refreshing the British population it is not something that the UK Establishment wants to encourage to excess. The duty of the Directors of UK Porn Films is to inflame the passions of the masses just enough for them to produce the odd child but not so much that they begin to act like foreigners. A misguided group who labour under the misapprehension that sex is an enjoyable experience. In the United Kingdom, nothing could be further from the truth.

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