So it looks like farewell to Top Gear. The once popular TV show will sink into TV history and Jeremy Clarkson will disappear (probably not) forever.

So the BBC has decided that there will be no more Clarksons or Top Gears.

Here’s how they’re going to do it.

From now on the BBC will only offer super bland content which has been homogenised by the new Politically Correct Content Management Committee (PCCMC). This is a body that will vet all BBC content, and the actions of all BBC staff at all times via a neural implant, to make sure that nothing like Jeremy Clarkson will ever stain the hallowed output of the BBC.

So what will the BBC be broadcasting in future?

BBC News 24 will henceforth only feature positive stories about multiculturalism and cute cats stuck up in trees. There will be no coverage of wars, terrorism, arguments or upsetting content about powerful figures abusing their positions of authority. No news broadcast will feature anything that might even vaguely upset anyone, anywhere, anywhen! The PCCMC must consider future sensibilities in addition to the sensitive nature of the 21st Century viewer.

The Great Cooking Bee, and its ilk, will no longer feature any form of criticism or comparison. Each contestant will be judged the winner at the start of the series. All creations will be praised equally highly by a team of highly trained blandests who will ensure no hint of competitiveness remains. Remember, where there is judgement, there is discord and upset.

Mastermind, so elitist and obviously Right-Wing in its approach, will be rechristened as Averagemind. Each contestant will be asked questions but will score 1 point no matter what answer they give. After all, one plus one might equal 17,451.6, who are we, or our cultural masters at the BBC, to judge! Other quiz based shows will follow this format except for University Challenge which will, in future, only feature students guaranteed to achieve a third.

Panellists on Question Time will only be asked about such uncontentious issues as their favourite Sunday pastimes, their preferred colour (as long as it’s not blue) and whether they prefer their coffee with or without milk. Sound meters will be used to enforce strict rules about raised voices.

Songs of Praise will be retitled as Songs of Moderateness. The choirs will be hosted in non-religious locations, be made up of a suitable mix of ethnic groups and sing songs focused on cultural cohesion and positive images of brotherly (and sisterly) love. No references to any deity or specific religion will be permitted. It just leads to argument and conflict as to which religion is best.

History based programming will be refocused from the negative to the positive. For example: Adolf Hitler might be currently depicted as the leader of a regime that inflicted terrible damage upon the world, indulged in mass murder of the worst kind and is often described as the Devil incarnate. Instead, the BBC should focus on Hitler’s positive traits. Perhaps his love of dogs, keen interest in the works of Richard Wagner and lifelong obsession with art. You can easily see that this changes the man from a bloody thirsty exterminator of Jews, gypsies and political rivals to a man you’d like to have over for a cup of tea and a chat.

Children’s’ programming. All violent cartoons, unsuitable pratfall based comedy and anything that extols the virtues of competition will be immediately withdrawn from the schedules. From now on, in an effort to prevent the corruption of the children of Britain, all children’s programming will be based on old reruns of Playschool. Hour after hour of Playschool will turn the hell-raising young scamps into docile sheeplike creatures.

Soap Operas. This is a thorny subject. The BBC’s soap operas have based their success on churning out depressingly awful storylines for decades. People only watch Eastenders at Christmas so they can see someone else having a worse time than their own festive flop. The PCCMC have, therefore, ordained that the BBC’s soap operas will continue in their current form subject to them being broadcast only after 22:00 and on BBC3 – thus ensuring that nobody will actually see them. (A stroke of genius – BBC Director General).

The future of the BBC is assured!

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