How to put off asylum seekers, refugees and anyone else we don’t want

We, the people of the desirable realm known as the UK, have to face the fact that our country is just too appealing to hordes of Johnny Foreigner types wanting a new home. We’re like catnip for refugees and asylum seekers (apparently).

Shanty town
Downtown Catford?

Now if we want to stem this invasion of the barbarian hordes then we have one obvious solution to consider. Make our nation a bit less attractive to them.

Here are some suggestions:

  1. When you get a cat or dog from a rescue centre they usually insist on having the creature neutered to prevent ever increasing numbers of unwanted kitties and doggies. Why not apply that to refugees and asylum seekers? The message is: “If you want to live in good old Blighty then expect to be sterilised on the way in.” Cutty, Cutty, Snip, Snip!(™Newzoids)
  2. Our upper classes need an alternative to fox hunting. Let’s face it, foxes are cute, lovable wee beasties and nobody really enjoys the sight of one of them being torn apart (or is it meant to be shot?) by a pack of rabid chihuahuas. So, in an attempt to both protect our wildlife AND provide work for the legions of asylum seekers/refugees/unwanted people, we can randomly select a couple of hundred of these unfortunates and set the hounds on them instead. Those who escape the jaws of the canine packs could be granted immediate British citizenship as a reward for their tenacity.
  3. We have a dire shortage of body parts for transplants and for medical types to play with. All those nice, young, healthy and desperate people at Calais are ripe for harvesting volunteering their superfluous organs. Who needs two eyes? Or two kidneys? I’m sure that they would happily share their organic largess with the needy of the UK.
  4. On a similar vein…The UK’s biotech industry is a world leader and major money maker for the Exchequer but they need test subjects and our own supply of desperate students is drying up. Those trying to invade our little islands would be, I’m sure, more than happy to play the role of guinea pig. I’m morally certain that some of them might even survive!
  5. Bring back the concept of indenturing. Each and every one of those people so desperate to join us here in the land of the soggy pasty can demonstrate their resolve by being indentured to those industries that have so much trouble in recruiting labour. You know; caring for the elderly and infirm (wiping other people’s bottoms and that sort of thing), medical cleansing of our hospitals (clearing up the loos in A&E), helping to decontaminate the old nuclear power station sites (extra bonus if you end up glowing in the dark) and being sent to foreign lands to teach those barbaric primitives the benefits of living in a Western style democracy (dying while fighting their own kind, wow is that ironic or what?).
  6. Being required to act as a human table from which peers of the realm, of all political persuasions, can snort the drug of their choice. This would be an equal opportunity position with near unlimited earnings potential going forward. If they’d be willing to wear BDSM  gear, and provide a good whipping at the same time, then there could be a lucrative government contract in it for them.

Considering the solutions offered by the main political parties to counter the public’s disquiet concerning immigration of all kinds, i.e. bugger all, I wouldn’t be surprised to see something even more twisted appearing in our media any day now touted as a solution to our current crisis.

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