The logo of Committee 31. The most secretive part of the BBC.
The logo of Committee 31. The most secretive part of the BBC.


Deep under the BBC’s Broadcasting House is a secret meeting room where the shadowy organisation that is Committee 31 meets every Sunday. This group, whose existence has been a complete secret until now, controls the BBC so as to influence the British public and bring them round to their preferred world view.

This correspondent has been given exclusive access to secret recordings of what is discussed and decided by those who would seek to control you.

Read on at your own risk…

Sunday 09/08/15

(Some background noise from an air conditioner and the occasional scream heard as if from a long distance).

Chairperson: Welcome friends and comrades. I trust we are all well and ready for the challenges that await us?

(Sound of general agreement with added slurping noises of unknown origin.)

Head of Thoughtcrime: Yes, oh exalted one.

Head of Sport: We are truly ready to implement your decisions oh wisest of the wise.

(Sounds of harrumphing).

Chairperson: Before we begin with the order of business I have to report that my “Eyes and Ears” (the BBC’s secret police) have reported to me some very disturbing news. Apparently (rustle of paper) there are BBC workers reading the Daily Mail whilst inside our hallowed walls.

Head of Thoughtcrime: Yes, all highest, this is true.

Chairperson: Explain?

Head of Thoughtcrime: Some of the BBC’s workers have been contaminated by the Thoughtcriminals Clarkson, May and Hammond. Especially those who were sent to the Top Gear production team as per your orders your Wonderfulness.

Chairperson: Their mission was to discredit the Clarkson and destroy that abominable excrescence on the BBC’s body that was their appalling show. Now you tell me that they have not only failed to destroy Clarkson BUT they have become contaminated as well?

Head of Thoughtcrime: Yes. We did not foresee that the Clarkson would be able to cast his evil spell over trusted BBC workers. I abase myself for this failure.

Chairperson: The fault was not yours. Clarkson is truly a Thoughtcriminal of the first order. We must consider ways to destroy him and his reputation but first we must cauterise this infected wound in the BBC’s body. What do you suggest?

Head of Thoughtcrime: There is only one way to bring these sick individuals back into the BBC fold. I suggest we banish them to the One Show gulag where they can repent and reflect upon their errors. In time they may recover and become useful members of the BBC family once more. Else….

Chairperson: Yes?

Head of Thoughtcrime:  We could always put them to work on BBC 3.

(General gasps).

Chairperson: In the name of the BBC, make it so!

Head of Entertainment: May I suggest that we now move onto item one of the agenda, the use of the Calais migrant camp as part of an episode of Songs of Praise?

Chairperson: By all means. Anything to divert me from the taste of vomit that I experience whenever Clarkson is named.

Head of Ideology: You will remember that we agreed that our primary aim, at this time, is the toppling of the Tory Lickspittle government through the social engineering of the British populace?

Chairperson: Yes.

Head of Ideology: And that would be best achieved through the covert and overt propagandising of the sheep like British public?

Chairperson: Yes.

Head of Ideology: To facilitate this we have made a number of changes to programmes and schedules. The most obvious is the use of Songs of Praise. We have arranged for it to be filmed in a ramshackle church in the Calais immigrant jungle. Our aim is to put a human face on the immigrants and head off the racist and heartless attitudes that have been directed at these unfortunates. We will pull out all the stops. There will be cute and appealing children, disabled immigrants, an impromptu Great British Bake Off competition, cute kittens and communal singing of traditional British Hymns helped along by recordings of some of the world’s greatest choirs. The audience, who are mainly elderly and religious, will fall for this approach hook line and sinker. They’ll soon be writing to their MPs to demand that Britain opens its gates to anyone who wants to come here. Thus boosting the pool of supporters for those political parties that are supporters of increased levels of immigration and of the BBC.

Chairperson: Excellent. I can feel the pain of the UKIP idiots and the Tory scum even now.

Head of News: I have also ensured that our continuing news coverage shows immigrants only in a positive light. There will be no hint of possible problems. I have ordered that the only critical voices to be heard are from obvious lowlife scum whom the British people will spurn, along with their opinions. No mention will be made of any criminal activities relating to immigrants or possible damage to British society.

Head of Entertainment: I have ordered that all topical comedy shows will disparage anyone, or group, that fails to embrace the immigrants as long lost family members. Our core approach is that anyone who wants a halt to any form of immigration are racists and fascists. The modern embodiment of Hitler himself. That’ll make our opponents think twice before daring to raise the alarm over asylum seekers, both genuine and bogus.

Head of Ideology: What? How dare you imply that any asylum seeker is anything but genuine!

Head of Entertainment: (Shaky voice) I’m sorry. I forgot myself and fell into error. Forgive me. Please.

Chairperson: We will forgive this one time, Head of Entertainment, but do not stray from the path of BBC righteousness again or you might also find yourself in the One Show gulag.

Head of Entertainment: Thank you. This unworthy servant begs your forgiveness.

Chairperson: Now, item two. Muslims.

Head of Ideology: The reactionary right-wing media are continuing to paint our Muslim brethren with the darkest of pigments. They never fail to stress such unimportant issues as alleged terrorist activities, fictional stories concerning the Muslim mistreatment of women and girls, the lies concerning Muslim attitudes towards members of the LGBT community and the daft idea that Muslims want to establish a Caliphate. We must do all in our power to counter their insidious lies!

Head of Sport: We have this covered from the sporting angle. From now on, no major event will be broadcast without either a large Muslim presence in the form of players or commentators. Female competitors will be digitally burqa’d and all references to anything deemed Haram will be blotted out from the broadcasts.

Head of Entertainment: We have lined up another series of Citizen Khan and have introduced a quota system for such shows as I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue and Have I Got News For You in that every episode must feature one key Muslim comedian or figure AND a series of jokes designed to promote the Muslim faith to the people of Britain. I am assured that our new BBC Joke Department has solved the problem of unfunny content.

Head of Thoughtcrime: I have worked closely with the Head of News to make sure no negative stories about Muslims appear on any news programme or our glorious BBC News internet site. We have introduced a new piece of software that recategorised any crime associated with a Muslim as a either a charitable act or an essential element of their culture. For example: IS is no longer to be described as a terrorist group that is unrepresentative of Islam. Instead, IS is now a philanthropic organisation that is dedicated to using peaceful means to further the cause of Islam amongst the ignorant savages of the West.

Chairperson: Excellent! I think our aim of making Islam a dominant component of British society is well on its way to being achieved. I cannot wait for the day that Christmas is banned, the call to prayer is heard throughout this land and bacon is banned forever.

(General sounds of approval).

Head of Ideology: Now, colleagues, I must….

—- Recording ended at this point —-

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